alot of times, im confused at my own mood swings.  they can go up and down jus like waves.  nah.. dun worry.. not tidal waves.  lol.. or tsunamis..

anyway, got to spend lotsa time with "him" for the past few days.. meeting almost everyday even though his own vehicle was sent to the workshop. den i was telling him how lucky he is to haf his pillon still with him even though he's not able to drive out.  lol.  he is lucky.  becos of me! whahaha.

it's nice walking streets after streets with him. so not used to tat But, it's fun la.. we jus go whereever we wan w/0 having to worry abt walking back to get the veh.  lol.  many times we land ourselves in sweat and tired legs.. but it's always okie after a short rest or a nice cup of coffee.

i was telling him, he's gonna spoil me soon.. if he continues to pamper me liddat.  with lil gifts and stuffs..  and once i become a spoilt brat.. hohoho.. gd luck to him.  lol. 

at first i was restricting myself from dropping into the hole.  now im hanging on to the edge of the hole.  he's slowly prying my fingers.. making me fall straight down..  defence?  i dunno wat kinda defences to take.. or rather, i dun wanna defend..

a happy day spent with a special someone.  someone whom i cant see any future with.  special enough?  hahaha.  decided to leave aside my feelings for the time being to not complicate things as it is. 

someone asked.. "can u really leave the feelings aside?"

"ya. i jus dun haf to tink abt it."

"but with him coming over every now and den to spend time with u.. i dun tink it's possible."

"i jus tink of his gf and the feelings will go aside."

*slience*

it's stupid right?  knowing it's dumb to fall but i jus let myself fall deeper.  so i guess now i haf to do some damage control.  =]  it's all in the mind i guess.  i jus need to realise tat im not the only one having special treatments, care and concern from him, guess everything would be fine.

he's someone nice to everybody.  guys and girls.  after comparing myself with his 3-year girl friend (u know.. girls lurve to compare..), he'll shield wind for me when im cold on his bike, check if im cold every now and den, tink for my safety, worried when i cut myself, always teasing me making me scare, buy lil' stuffs for me when he know i need it (like inhalers when i've got blocked nose, ear piece when he noes i need it..), always making sure tat im full, and he's still doing all these.. 

im someone who always strive hard for my own happiness.  but i cant do tat in tis situation.  cos i've gotta think for his gf.. who's also a girl.. who'll also feel the hurt.  i've been dumped for another girl in the past and i noe tis will greatly affect ur own confidence in urself and in guys.  i dun wanna commit the same sin. 

wat comes ard goes ard.  i hate retribution. 

thus, i'll only leave tis aside.  hoping for a miracle.

im in love with someone who has a gf.  worse point is, duno is wife or gf..  haha.  wat a life ya? 

"love is blind."  it definitely is.  always, i would be the one struggling for a breath of fresh air.  not tat he doesnt love me enough.  is the other obstacles tat's been hindering us.

when i tot i've found the One, always, there would be a bombshell dropped right on my head.  thanks for tat bomb.  w/o the bomb, i wun be able to learn new lessons.  but the bomb completely devastated every lil' hopes in me. 

leaving me like a zombie.

If there's jus one site for me to scream at, this shld be the one.  im goin crazy.  and i hate tis feeling...  the feeling of supressing every bit of my feeling deep inside me and not letting it out. 

wanna hear the truth?

im in fact, very sick of sacrificing my happiness to make everyone happy.  in fact, im sick of being so selfless and so wei da.  im sick of always letting go and giving up my happiness w/o any signs of wanting it.  and everytime, deep inside me, im so battered.. so hurt.. so lonely in the world of my own.  i wanna be abit more selfish. 

but i jus cant.. i will haf tis guilty streak tat will be inside me for the rest of my life when someone suffers for me.  tis is it.  my life's screwed.  and forever it'll be. 

when will my happiness arrived?

only when..

someone comes along and says, "without u, i wun haf my happiness.  u r my happiness."